I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
