my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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