That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
