don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
