you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
