Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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