So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He better not be in your backpack
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
