remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
