i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
