So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
