bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
