Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
