An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
