And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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