Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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