u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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