Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
