Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
