Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
