If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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