So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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