dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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