Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
