Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
