So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
