I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
