He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
