when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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