I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
