is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
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