he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
