i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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