I'm lost and stupid without you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
