I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
