Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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