ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
