How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
