I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
