You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I cannot find my penis.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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