peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
