woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
