my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
