Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
