Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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