Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
