don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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