If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
