apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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