How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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