Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
